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Supportive and defensive behaviors of people – المرشد

Supportive and defensive behaviors of people

Supportive and defensive behaviors of people

Why are we worrying about climate and why should we spend some time thinking about the supportive climate? 

Because in some ways people behave very much like animals, specifically when we feel like we are being attacked or threatened. What are you going to do? What they do is they stay for just a second to realize what is going on, they listen, then they look and can see the threat, and maybe they can see the threat, what are they doing when they see threat? They often run away. They think they are going to run away from it. Or they stay in ground and fight. And if their go is to stay to start a fight so the goal is to win. And how is the ultimate win?  To kill the other animal or whatever that threat is that makes them feel threatened, they want to hurt them, so they can get away from whatever was causes them to feel threatened. 

Sad reality is people are very much like that. With the exception that our response is not physically with the threat we receive, we act a little differently, not as much as the animal fight tendency. Jack Kyab, in classic article identified 6 specific behaviors when we realize what we likely trigger in distinctive reaction without even thinking about it we respond defensively. He also identified contrasting behaviors that we can do to preserve the supporting climate surrounding us, a climate that makes it easier to talk whatever the issue is rather than to react defensively 

What gives defensive climate? So that the sender of messages or as a receiver of messages do not fall in the trap and act like the animals in the wild. They are defensive climate not physically but attacked.

Defensive Climate Behaviors:

 1) Evaluation:
What we identify in terms of evaluation is where we are judging people. And there are many instances when we have to judge people. When we have the supervisor of an employee and has to judge people for their performance, if you are in relationships sometimes we evaluate other people, and what we want to avoid in this kind of evaluation is how we get defensive which means labelling or judging other people. Evaluative words would be like “You are so lazy! How can you be inconsiderate!” if we think about it when someone says this to you, your natural distinct will be that you want to scratch the person evaluating us to feel defensive as an instinctive reaction as it is normal to us to respond instinctively when we are being judged.
This is the first behavior that might instinctively trigger a defensive reaction when we feel like I have to defend myself. I’m not willing to listen to what you are saying because what I focus on is to defend myself. The fight tendency when I feel I have to defend myself.
 

2) Control:
There are many instances ways to control when we supervise we have to do some variations of controlling other people. In a working environment there are many instances we can control. Now when this is triggered to create an instinctive reaction is what we feel is someone is putting his thumb on you to try to get you to do what they want because they can. “I’m the boss and I can control this on you, you can’t even think about that” I don’t know, but when someone puts their power on us and control us in some way, we feel like we want to bite that thumb and that control over us, and do anything to defend ourselves because we feel like we’re being attacked and that’s instinctive and tend to be a normal reaction. 

3) Strategy:
And in this sense strategy does not mean strategic thinking and thinking about what might happen if. Strategy for Gayb means manipulation. In Gayb’s terminology what triggers a defensive reaction and instinctive defensive reaction is “I’m trying to manipulate you and I make a strategy what I want maybe without you knowing what I want, so I’m trying to manipulate you” 
When people discover that they’re being manipulated, their instinctive reaction is not, okay fine, I know what you want, I’ll do what you want, it’s rather to show them that we don’t get away with this  and we start to respond defensively.  

4) Neutrality:
Sometimes we think about neutrality that it is not bad to be neutral in a position as it is not completely right or wrong it is just neutral. What Gayb meant by neutrality is maybe what puts it in the category of “lack of consider”. As neutrality in Gayb’s world is “I do not care what you think, you have an idea I completely ignore it and do not give her enough attention and my time and my response is that you have to be silent in such problems. We’re thinking about what our reaction should be if we have someone who’s dealing with us like that? We try to scratch figuratively and in most cases we will try to attack that person because you attack me and to me my opinion does not matter or I do not know enough about this situation, or by neutrality you just ignore me and you did not pay attention to what I was saying. For example I said something in class and you just ignored it. This will tend to an instinctive defensive reaction.  

5) Superiority:
Superiority can mean I know more than you, I am the boss and you have to do what I say because I am better and smarter than you. As we said it is very easy to think that reaction would be to someone who operates superiority we get defensive and we try to attack them because we feel that we are being attacked.

6) Certainty:
Certainty is I know I’m right because I know I’m always right, we’ve been doing this for 25 years, that’s what we’re going to do, or we’re going to do it because I said we’re going to do it, any of these things that you convey the communication perspective that you are absolutely right and all the other answers must be absolutely wrong.  
When someone treats us with certainty our reaction is to prove them wrong. They are wrong because we felt an attack. Although they may not say it directly, but the idea that he is always right means I’m wrong. Which makes me feel attacked and ignites my instinctive reaction, not yes, you’re right and always right, it tends to provoke a defensive reaction. 
The communication perspective that you are absolutely right and therefore the other answer must be completely wrong. 
We do not focus on those behaviors because sometimes we evaluate people, sometimes we have to control situations, or treat each other impartially because we do not have enough time to listen to them or because we are in charge or because we are superior position. We still need to remember that if we want to send a message that sounds as evaluation, control, strategy, neutrality, superiority, or certainty, that the natural reaction we are going to get to that will be either physically leave and shut down or attacking. They can be completely physically attacked and can choose to remain silent. They can be looking to us but are not listening to us. Or we fight back usually verbally, we fight back with words because we feel that we have to, because we feel that we are being attacked.

 

The good news is that Gibbs has also identified six other behaviors that counter each of those defensive climate behaviors:
Instead of evaluation or judging you or telling me that I’m inconsiderate or rude, we can’t intangibly see what inconsiderate means as those are describing behaviors of what rude or inconsiderate actually looks like.

Supportive and Defensive Climate Behaviors:

1) Description —– vs. Evaluation:

to be not evaluated, but to describe: the description means to say in my mind what is rude means before I say it with my mouth, wait a little and tell myself what it means to be rude? What does he or she do or said was rude? When we describe the answer to ourselves thinking about what I heard you say or what I saw doing from you. And that’s the language we use to deal with problems if we talk about a problem we’re facing or a situation, and usually some evaluation if we’re solving a problem. Easier to deal with a problem if I am describing behaviors that I have observe. “If we decide that you are rude because you laughed before I was ready or you did not show up for class on time, here I am evaluating what is rude”. What would be better for me when we talk about it, for example: I’m concerned because you did not show up for class more than once, or I’m bothered by yesterday example when you laughed when I was not ready for that. This is should be the language when we are describing. 

Will I use this description to move away from defensive climate reactions? The sad reality is no. Because we can’t control other people “even if we want to” what we can control is just controlling our behaviors. And if we talk about what we’ve seen or heard about there’s less likely to hear from other people to stay in self-defense because they’re less likely to hear that they’re instinctively feeling threatened, they’re going to act on that feeling, and that’s what we’ve been trying to avoid, we’ve been trying to create a supportive climate, a climate where I feel welcome and encouraged to talk, I feel like if I talked, I wouldn’t be attacked from someone in return, and that’s what we want to do in description. 

2) Problem Orientation —– vs. Control:
We talked that control is i control you with my thumb and you have to do whatever I say whatever happens, because whatever the reason I will tell you what to do and of course the reaction to that instinct is self-defense as we said. 

If I control you and tell you to do this on a specific day, I have to ask myself “Why?” why is it triggering that need for me, and this is what we should be reacting. 

What we need to do is to the problem orientation, I think the easiest way to think about the direction of the problem is that we can separate the problem from the person we are talking to. 

If you do something for me you have to stop doing, what we have to do is put the problem in front of us figuratively and imagine it in front of us, take the problem apart from the individuals.

“You need to show up in class on time” this description but also control and lead to a direct instinctive defense instead of “you need to show up on time” we say “the office should be opened by 8AM, and because you are the person who comes late, that’s critical” so that is the problem is the office has not been opened on time for the past 3 days, or that the problem is that the trash is not getting out on time for the weekly trash collection, or that the clothes are still on the ground instead of being in their place. So we think about what the problem is by using the separation between the problem and the person itself, trying to talk about the problem as if it were something in front of us, this will help us to create and maintain a supportive climate. 
Is that guaranteed? The sad reality is no, but if you think about it from your own perspective when you see someone in control of you, don’t take it in a way that you need to defend yourself instinctively because you feel that you are under threat. If we have someone in front of us to ask about a problem that needs to be solved, we’ll be less likely to feel attacked, and that’s what we have to do. 

 

3) Spontaneity —- vs. Strategy: 

As we have said, manipulating do not encourage a supportive climate for understanding, but if they think about being open and spontaneous this will reduce the likelihood of a sense of defense in the other. I’m open and honest with you, I’m not trying to manipulate you or hide issues —-.” 

4) Empathy vs. Neutrality:

We also said that neutrality conveys the feeling that I don’t care about you or what you say and we will do what I say and opinions make no difference to me. Empathy is that I really try to see things from your own perspective, I do care about you and your opinions, I may not agree with your opinions but I am communicating to you that I care to hear your opinions and understand your point of view and value your perspective. i can say that the point of view is not effective for this problem but at first I want to hear many different opinions with points of view I want to hear your point of view, I want to take care of your perspective on this view, if people suspect that there are other important and effective opinions said by a co-worker that matters a lot and will lead to creating and maintaining a supportive climate between people a place where I feel that I can share my opinions and people will care to hear them. 

5) Equality —- vs. Superiority
As we said superiority is i am smarter and better and more beautiful than anyone else. I know more about her than my colleagues in it, for example, but I also want to realize very well that they also know things That I do not know and that they are better than me, and that’s what we mean by equality. 

If you keep this perspective, we are all equal unless there is something that needs someone who has experience in this matter, and there are situations where I need to hear you and act based on what You said. If we treat some with equality, we will have a much greater opportunity to create and maintain supportive climate in which we feel more comfortable in solving problems and dealing with issues. 

6) Provisionalism — vs. Certainty:
As we said certainty is there is no place for opinions only my opinion is the right temporary behavior is to open the door a little bit for discussion because I am likely to be wrong. 

Provosionalism is to leave the door a little to open up the space to accept opinions and it is possible to be true and help us more. It’s easy to do that if we want to. It’s easy to say “I know” instead of “I think this is the right thing to do.” Or “I think the last Friday we used that method and it worked and we both agreed on this” we have to recognize and accept that we might forget some memories and we are not always tend to be right.

What we have to think about is that we want to use behaviors if we are the one sending messages because we send messages to be sure that we are focusing on description, open and honest to the opinions of others, treat all people equally and open the door to change and accept different ways. The sender of the messages must maintain those behaviors.

Yes, it’s not easy, but that’s what sets us apart from the way wild animals think. Wild animals don’t think but act based on their instinctive feelings. People also have a instinctive feeling, but we are critical in thinking about what we’re going to choose how to behave. I’m going to choose to act not personally in self-defense, and I can. I can suck it up and say I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. I can force myself when I’m receiving messages that I control my feelings and try to get the person in front of me to get to a place that understands us supporting the behaviors that we mentioned as a receiver, I don’t want to fall into this trap that I act in self-defense without thinking, I can be aware of my feelings and instincts but I want to act in a way that helps to maintain an supportive climate and this is more difficult if we receive messages from someone who attacks us we have to think about how we have to think. Unfortunately, personal communication is not guaranteed, but what we have to do is to improve communication in relationships: by maintaining a supportive, not defensive, climate. Both, the sender and sender of communication messages using behaviors that contribute to a supportive climate. 

prepared by Dr. Fatin Mirza

Why are we worrying about climate and why should we spend some time thinking about the supportive climate? 

Because in some ways people behave very much like animals, specifically when we feel like we are being attacked or threatened. What are you going to do? What they do is they stay for just a second to realize what is going on, they listen, then they look and can see the threat, and maybe they can see the threat, what are they doing when they see threat? They often run away. They think they are going to run away from it. Or they stay in ground and fight. And if their go is to stay to start a fight so the goal is to win. And how is the ultimate win?  To kill the other animal or whatever that threat is that makes them feel threatened, they want to hurt them, so they can get away from whatever was causes them to feel threatened. 

Sad reality is people are very much like that. With the exception that our response is not physically with the threat we receive, we act a little differently, not as much as the animal fight tendency. Jack Kyab, in classic article identified 6 specific behaviors when we realize what we likely trigger in distinctive reaction without even thinking about it we respond defensively. He also identified contrasting behaviors that we can do to preserve the supporting climate surrounding us, a climate that makes it easier to talk whatever the issue is rather than to react defensively 

What gives defensive climate? So that the sender of messages or as a receiver of messages do not fall in the trap and act like the animals in the wild. They are defensive climate not physically but attacked.

Defensive Climate Behaviors:

 1) Evaluation:
What we identify in terms of evaluation is where we are judging people. And there are many instances when we have to judge people. When we have the supervisor of an employee and has to judge people for their performance, if you are in relationships sometimes we evaluate other people, and what we want to avoid in this kind of evaluation is how we get defensive which means labelling or judging other people. Evaluative words would be like “You are so lazy! How can you be inconsiderate!” if we think about it when someone says this to you, your natural distinct will be that you want to scratch the person evaluating us to feel defensive as an instinctive reaction as it is normal to us to respond instinctively when we are being judged.
This is the first behavior that might instinctively trigger a defensive reaction when we feel like I have to defend myself. I’m not willing to listen to what you are saying because what I focus on is to defend myself. The fight tendency when I feel I have to defend myself.
 

2) Control:
There are many instances ways to control when we supervise we have to do some variations of controlling other people. In a working environment there are many instances we can control. Now when this is triggered to create an instinctive reaction is what we feel is someone is putting his thumb on you to try to get you to do what they want because they can. “I’m the boss and I can control this on you, you can’t even think about that” I don’t know, but when someone puts their power on us and control us in some way, we feel like we want to bite that thumb and that control over us, and do anything to defend ourselves because we feel like we’re being attacked and that’s instinctive and tend to be a normal reaction. 

3) Strategy:
And in this sense strategy does not mean strategic thinking and thinking about what might happen if. Strategy for Gayb means manipulation. In Gayb’s terminology what triggers a defensive reaction and instinctive defensive reaction is “I’m trying to manipulate you and I make a strategy what I want maybe without you knowing what I want, so I’m trying to manipulate you” 
When people discover that they’re being manipulated, their instinctive reaction is not, okay fine, I know what you want, I’ll do what you want, it’s rather to show them that we don’t get away with this  and we start to respond defensively.  

4) Neutrality:
Sometimes we think about neutrality that it is not bad to be neutral in a position as it is not completely right or wrong it is just neutral. What Gayb meant by neutrality is maybe what puts it in the category of “lack of consider”. As neutrality in Gayb’s world is “I do not care what you think, you have an idea I completely ignore it and do not give her enough attention and my time and my response is that you have to be silent in such problems. We’re thinking about what our reaction should be if we have someone who’s dealing with us like that? We try to scratch figuratively and in most cases we will try to attack that person because you attack me and to me my opinion does not matter or I do not know enough about this situation, or by neutrality you just ignore me and you did not pay attention to what I was saying. For example I said something in class and you just ignored it. This will tend to an instinctive defensive reaction.  

5) Superiority:
Superiority can mean I know more than you, I am the boss and you have to do what I say because I am better and smarter than you. As we said it is very easy to think that reaction would be to someone who operates superiority we get defensive and we try to attack them because we feel that we are being attacked.

6) Certainty:
Certainty is I know I’m right because I know I’m always right, we’ve been doing this for 25 years, that’s what we’re going to do, or we’re going to do it because I said we’re going to do it, any of these things that you convey the communication perspective that you are absolutely right and all the other answers must be absolutely wrong.  
When someone treats us with certainty our reaction is to prove them wrong. They are wrong because we felt an attack. Although they may not say it directly, but the idea that he is always right means I’m wrong. Which makes me feel attacked and ignites my instinctive reaction, not yes, you’re right and always right, it tends to provoke a defensive reaction. 
The communication perspective that you are absolutely right and therefore the other answer must be completely wrong. 
We do not focus on those behaviors because sometimes we evaluate people, sometimes we have to control situations, or treat each other impartially because we do not have enough time to listen to them or because we are in charge or because we are superior position. We still need to remember that if we want to send a message that sounds as evaluation, control, strategy, neutrality, superiority, or certainty, that the natural reaction we are going to get to that will be either physically leave and shut down or attacking. They can be completely physically attacked and can choose to remain silent. They can be looking to us but are not listening to us. Or we fight back usually verbally, we fight back with words because we feel that we have to, because we feel that we are being attacked.

 

The good news is that Gibbs has also identified six other behaviors that counter each of those defensive climate behaviors:
Instead of evaluation or judging you or telling me that I’m inconsiderate or rude, we can’t intangibly see what inconsiderate means as those are describing behaviors of what rude or inconsiderate actually looks like.

Supportive and Defensive Climate Behaviors:

1) Description —– vs. Evaluation:

to be not evaluated, but to describe: the description means to say in my mind what is rude means before I say it with my mouth, wait a little and tell myself what it means to be rude? What does he or she do or said was rude? When we describe the answer to ourselves thinking about what I heard you say or what I saw doing from you. And that’s the language we use to deal with problems if we talk about a problem we’re facing or a situation, and usually some evaluation if we’re solving a problem. Easier to deal with a problem if I am describing behaviors that I have observe. “If we decide that you are rude because you laughed before I was ready or you did not show up for class on time, here I am evaluating what is rude”. What would be better for me when we talk about it, for example: I’m concerned because you did not show up for class more than once, or I’m bothered by yesterday example when you laughed when I was not ready for that. This is should be the language when we are describing. 

Will I use this description to move away from defensive climate reactions? The sad reality is no. Because we can’t control other people “even if we want to” what we can control is just controlling our behaviors. And if we talk about what we’ve seen or heard about there’s less likely to hear from other people to stay in self-defense because they’re less likely to hear that they’re instinctively feeling threatened, they’re going to act on that feeling, and that’s what we’ve been trying to avoid, we’ve been trying to create a supportive climate, a climate where I feel welcome and encouraged to talk, I feel like if I talked, I wouldn’t be attacked from someone in return, and that’s what we want to do in description. 

2) Problem Orientation —– vs. Control:
We talked that control is i control you with my thumb and you have to do whatever I say whatever happens, because whatever the reason I will tell you what to do and of course the reaction to that instinct is self-defense as we said. 

If I control you and tell you to do this on a specific day, I have to ask myself “Why?” why is it triggering that need for me, and this is what we should be reacting. 

What we need to do is to the problem orientation, I think the easiest way to think about the direction of the problem is that we can separate the problem from the person we are talking to. 

If you do something for me you have to stop doing, what we have to do is put the problem in front of us figuratively and imagine it in front of us, take the problem apart from the individuals.

“You need to show up in class on time” this description but also control and lead to a direct instinctive defense instead of “you need to show up on time” we say “the office should be opened by 8AM, and because you are the person who comes late, that’s critical” so that is the problem is the office has not been opened on time for the past 3 days, or that the problem is that the trash is not getting out on time for the weekly trash collection, or that the clothes are still on the ground instead of being in their place. So we think about what the problem is by using the separation between the problem and the person itself, trying to talk about the problem as if it were something in front of us, this will help us to create and maintain a supportive climate. 
Is that guaranteed? The sad reality is no, but if you think about it from your own perspective when you see someone in control of you, don’t take it in a way that you need to defend yourself instinctively because you feel that you are under threat. If we have someone in front of us to ask about a problem that needs to be solved, we’ll be less likely to feel attacked, and that’s what we have to do. 

 

3) Spontaneity —- vs. Strategy: 

As we have said, manipulating do not encourage a supportive climate for understanding, but if they think about being open and spontaneous this will reduce the likelihood of a sense of defense in the other. I’m open and honest with you, I’m not trying to manipulate you or hide issues —-.” 

4) Empathy vs. Neutrality:

We also said that neutrality conveys the feeling that I don’t care about you or what you say and we will do what I say and opinions make no difference to me. Empathy is that I really try to see things from your own perspective, I do care about you and your opinions, I may not agree with your opinions but I am communicating to you that I care to hear your opinions and understand your point of view and value your perspective. i can say that the point of view is not effective for this problem but at first I want to hear many different opinions with points of view I want to hear your point of view, I want to take care of your perspective on this view, if people suspect that there are other important and effective opinions said by a co-worker that matters a lot and will lead to creating and maintaining a supportive climate between people a place where I feel that I can share my opinions and people will care to hear them. 

5) Equality —- vs. Superiority
As we said superiority is i am smarter and better and more beautiful than anyone else. I know more about her than my colleagues in it, for example, but I also want to realize very well that they also know things That I do not know and that they are better than me, and that’s what we mean by equality. 

If you keep this perspective, we are all equal unless there is something that needs someone who has experience in this matter, and there are situations where I need to hear you and act based on what You said. If we treat some with equality, we will have a much greater opportunity to create and maintain supportive climate in which we feel more comfortable in solving problems and dealing with issues. 

6) Provisionalism — vs. Certainty:
As we said certainty is there is no place for opinions only my opinion is the right temporary behavior is to open the door a little bit for discussion because I am likely to be wrong. 

Provosionalism is to leave the door a little to open up the space to accept opinions and it is possible to be true and help us more. It’s easy to do that if we want to. It’s easy to say “I know” instead of “I think this is the right thing to do.” Or “I think the last Friday we used that method and it worked and we both agreed on this” we have to recognize and accept that we might forget some memories and we are not always tend to be right.

What we have to think about is that we want to use behaviors if we are the one sending messages because we send messages to be sure that we are focusing on description, open and honest to the opinions of others, treat all people equally and open the door to change and accept different ways. The sender of the messages must maintain those behaviors.

Yes, it’s not easy, but that’s what sets us apart from the way wild animals think. Wild animals don’t think but act based on their instinctive feelings. People also have a instinctive feeling, but we are critical in thinking about what we’re going to choose how to behave. I’m going to choose to act not personally in self-defense, and I can. I can suck it up and say I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. I can force myself when I’m receiving messages that I control my feelings and try to get the person in front of me to get to a place that understands us supporting the behaviors that we mentioned as a receiver, I don’t want to fall into this trap that I act in self-defense without thinking, I can be aware of my feelings and instincts but I want to act in a way that helps to maintain an supportive climate and this is more difficult if we receive messages from someone who attacks us we have to think about how we have to think. Unfortunately, personal communication is not guaranteed, but what we have to do is to improve communication in relationships: by maintaining a supportive, not defensive, climate. Both, the sender and sender of communication messages using behaviors that contribute to a supportive climate. 

prepared by Dr. Fatin Mirza

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السلوكيات الداعمة والدفاعية لدى الفرد

السلوكيات الداعمة والدفاعية لدى الفرد

لماذا نقلق ونقضى بعض الوقت فى التفكير فى المناخ الداعم؟ 

لأن الناس في بعض الأحيان يتصرفون مثل الحيوانات بشكل كبير وبالتحديد عندما نشعر وكأننا يتم الهجوم علينا أو مهددون نحن نتصرف بشكل كبير مثل الحيوانات، اذا فكرنا للحظة مثل الحيوانات “مثل القطط البرية مثلا” في حالة تهديد.. ماذا ستفعل؟ ما تفعله هو أنهم يسكتوا للحظة ليدركون ماذا يحدث ثم ينظرون و يمكن يررون التهديد، عندما يرون التهديد ماذا يفعلون؟ غالبا يتصرفون بالجرى بعيدا.. يفكرون أن بالجرى سيهربون منها.. أو يثبتوا في مكانهم و يتشاجرون.. و اذا اختاروا أن يبدأوا المشاجرة حتى ينجحوا في قتل أو أكل الحيوان الاخر الذى يشعرهم بالتهديد و كان ممكن أن يجرحهم و بذلك يتخلصوا من الشىء الذى يسبب لهم الشعور بالتهديد 

الواقع المحزن هو أن الناس يشبهون ذلك الى حد كبير.. مع مراعاة استثناء ان استجابتنا لا تكون بدنية أو جسمانية مع التهديد الذى نتلقاه، نحن نتصرف بشكل مختلف قليلا ليس بنفس درجة مشاجرة الحيوانات 
جاك كياب.. حدد في مقال له 6 سلوكيات محددة عندما ندرك ما يجعلنا يشعر بالتهديد كرد فعل غريزى بمعنى عدم التفكير في كيف يجب أن نتصرف دفاعا عن أنفسنا 
أيضا حدد سلوكيات متناقضة نفعلها عندما ندرك بالتهديد يمكن أن نفعله للمحافظة على المناخ المحاط بنا، مناخ يجعل من السهل ان تتحدث أيا كانت المشكلة بدلا من التصرف بدفاعية 

- ما هي الأسباب اتى تجعلنا في حالة دفاع عن أنفسنا: 
فما نريد أن نفهمه ما هو الأفضل في التصرف؟ هو ما يعطى لنا ستة أجواء دفاعية بحيث لا ننسقط في تلك الفخاخ، هل علينا أن نتصرف كا مركز الرسائل أم كمتلقى الرسائل؟ حتى لا نقع في فخ التفاعل و التصرف على طريقة الحيوانات البرية في الدفاع عن نفسها و المهاجمة بشكل جسدى أيا كان الشخص الذى أمامنا مادام يشعرنا بالتهديد بالتهديد ولا نهدد الاخرين فا يجب ان نفكر في ما هي هذه السلوكيات الذى حدد منها جاك 6 سلوكيات

سلوكيات مناخية دفاعية: 

١) التقييم: 

أحيانا نقيم الاخرين و ما يجعلنا في مكان الحكم على الاخرين، و هناك العديد من الأشياء التي يمكن أن نحكم بها على الاخرين.. مثال: اذا كنت موظف كسول و ضعيف في أداء عملك، او لو كنت في علاقة يقيمون يعضهم البعض.
ما يجب أن نتجنبه في هذا النوع من التقييم هو طريقة “وضع العلامات” أو “الحكم على الاخرين” 
تقييم الناس في طريقة حديث مثل “اه أنت كسول جدا.. كيف يمكن أن تفكر في هذا الأمر” كف يمكن ان تفكر انك كسول و متهورخاصة عندما يمدح بك شخص و يقول نعم أنت محق في ذلك
هذا ما يجعلنى اتصرف بشكل غريزى للدفاع عن نفسى اما الشخص الذى يهاجمنى ويقيمنى و هذا رد فعل غريزى و طبيعى أن يتصرف الناس في أحيان كثيرة بشكل غريزى عندما نشعر بشعور الحكم علينا من الاخرين 
فهذا واحد من السلوكيات الذى يشعل لدينا شعور الدفاع عن النفس و رد فعل غريزى، بعد الدفاع عن نفسى فأننى لست مستعدا للاستماع الى ما عليك أن تقوله لأن ما أركز عليه هو الدفاع عن نفسى.. اتجاه النضال والمشاجرة أو اتجاه الهروب وكأننى مضطر الى الدفاع عن نفسى 

٢) السيطرة: 

هناك طرق غريزية عديدة للسيطرة على الناس على سبيل المثال في العمل هناك العديد من الحالات التي نسيطر فيها 
يوجد الكثير من المواقف نستطيع أن نسيطر فيها عندما نطبق هذا الأمر لخلق رد فعل دفاعى غريزى هو المكان الذى يشعر أنه لو أن أحدهم يضع ابهامه عليك لمحاولة حملكم على القيام بما يريدون وهذا ما يشعل لدينا شعورنا الغريزى في المدافعة عن أنفسنا عندما نرى أن أحد ليس فقط يسيطر بل يضع يده في فمنا يحاول ان يجعلنا نفعل ما يريده تحت سيطرتهم لمجرد أنهم يستطيعون ذلك
على سبيل المثال: “أنا المدير واستطيع السيطرة عليك لا يمكنك فعل اى شيء” لا أدرى ولكن عندما شخص يضع قوته علينا و يضغط علينا بشكل ما يجعلنا نشعر أننا نريد التخلص من تلك السيطرة علينا و فعل أي شيء للدفاع عن أنفسنا لأننا نشعر أن يتم الهجوم علينا وهذا رد فعل طبيعى جدا. 

٣) الاستراتيجات: 

وهنا استراتيجيات لا تعنى التفكير الاستراتيجي و التفكير في ماذا يحدث لو.. بل تعنى “التلاعب”. ففي عمق المسطلح ما يشعل شعور الدفاع عن النفس كارد فعل غريزى هو اذا أنا أحاول أن أتلاعب بالكلام للوصول الى ما أريد حتى بدون ما الشخص الاخر يشعر انى أفعل ذلك.  أنا أحاول أن أتلاعب بك و الناس عندما تدرك أنها يتم التلاعب ليس يكون رد فعلها الغريزى هو اه تمام أنا أعلم ما تريده أنا سأفعل ما تريده، بل يكون رد فعلها أفعال دفاعية 

٤) الحياد: 

عادة نفكر في الحياد أنه ليس شيء سىء أن تكون في مكانة لا صح تماما ولا غلط تماما لا جيد تماما ولا سىء تماما وهذا ما يضعه في خانة “عدم الاهتمام” على أساس أن الحياد يعنى أنا لا اهتم بشىء على سبيل المثال اذا لديك فكرة عن شيء انا لا اهتم بها وارفضها او اتجاهلها ولا اعطيها القدر الكافى من اهتمامى ووقتى و يكون ردى عليك أن تسكت في مثل هذه المشكلات.. فنحن نفكر ماذا يجب أن يكون رد فعلنا اذا أمامنا شخص يتعامل معنا بهذا الشكل؟
نحن ليس نتصرف كا انت محق انا حقا لا ادرى و يمكن تأجيل هذا، بل يكون رد فعلنا المجادلة معهم وفى بعض الأحيان يمكن أن نهاجمه لأنك تهاجمنى انت تقول لى ان ما أقوله لا يفرق شيئا او بحيادك معى افهم أنك تتجاهلنى لأنك لم تنتبه ولم تعطى أي انتباه الى ما أقول. على سبيل المثال أنا قلت شيء في الفصل وتلقيت التجاهل. هذا سيؤدى بى بشكل غريزى الى رد فعل دفاعى. 

٥) التفوق: 

والتفوق يمكن أن يعنى أنا أعرف أكثرمنك، أنا المسئول عن ذلك أنا المدير، يجب عليك أن تفعل ما أقوله لأننى أفضل ذكاء.

٦) السياقات: 
 
بمعنى انا اعلم انى محق لأنى اعلم انى دائما محق، نحن فعلنا ذلك منذ 25 عام فهذا ما سنفعله، أو سنفعل ذلك لأننى قلت أننا سنفعل ذلك، أي من هذه الأشياء التي تقنع بها الذى أمامك بهذه الطريقة من هذا المنظور أنك دائما محق فما تقوله هو الأصح و أي منظور اخر من التأكيد أنه خطأ.
أنا لا اعلم عندما شخص يتعامل معى بمنظور التأكيدات انا اصمم انى اثبت له انه مخطأ وليس دائما على حق لأننى اشعر بالهجوم. صحيح هو لم يهجم على بشكل مباشر بل فكرة أنه دائما على حق تعنى انى على خطأ مما يجعلنى أشعر بالهجوم و يشعل رد فعلى الغريزى ليس نعم أنت محق و دائما على حق بل يكون بهذا يميل الى اثارة رد فعل دفاعى غريزى هو التيقن، حيث أعرف أننى محقة فقط لأننى أعرف الان هل انتهينا من ذلك طوال 25 عاما كانت الطريقة دائما هي الطريقة التي سيتم بها ذلك أي من تلك الأشياء التي يمكنك أن تقول من منظور الاتصال أنك محق تماما وبالتالي يجب أن تكون الإجابة الأخرى خاطئة تماما، ومرة أخرى 

نحن في الطبيعى لا نركز في هذه السلوكيات لأننا أحياننا نقيم الناس، أحيانا يجب أن نسيطر في المواقف، أو نعامل البعض بحياد لأننا ليس لدينا قدر كافى من الوقت فنتجاهل البعض لأننا ليس لدينا الوقت الكافى للاستماع لهم أو لأننا مسئولون او لأننا متفوقون في شيء ما. يجب دائما أن نتذكر أننا مازلنا يجب أن نتذكر اننا اذا نريد أن نرسل رسالة تشمل تقييم، سيطرة، حياد، تفوق، 
أن الرد فعل الطبيعى لذلك سيكون المهاجمة أو الهروب.. يمكن أن يهاجموا بدنيا تماما ويمكن يختاروا الصمت.. يمكن أن ينظرون الينا بل لا يستمعون الينا.. أو نتلاعب بالألفاظ ونتشاجر بالكلام لأن ذلك ما يجب فعله لأننا نشعر بالهجوم علينا.
 

الأخبار الجيدة أن “جيبس” أيضا حدد 6 سلوكيات ملتوية أساسية تدافع عن كل سلوك حدده “جاك” في سلوكيات مناخية دفاعية أخرى:
بدلا من التقييم أو الحكم عليك أو أن تقول لى أنى متهور أو غير مهذب، لا نستطيع أن نرى بأعيننا الغير مهذب كيف يكون غير ملموس بالنسبة لى لا يمكننى وصفه لأن هذه سلوكيات معنوية ليست مادية نرى الغير مهذب أو المتهور منها فعليا كيف يكون 

١) الوصف — بدلًا من التقييم:

أن أكون لا أقيمك بل أوصفك:
الوصف بمعنى أن أقول في ذهنى ماهو الغير مهذب قبل أن أقولها بفمى انتظر قليلا وأقول لنفسى ماذا يعنى لغير مهذب؟ ماذا فعل هو أو هي فعل أو قاله كان غير مهذب؟ عندما نقوم بوصف الإجابة لأنفسنا نفكر في ماذا سمعته منك تقوله أو ماذا رأيته منك تفعله. وهذه تبقى اللغة التي نستخدمها في مواجهة المشاكل اذا نتحدث عن مشكلة نواجهها أو موقف ما وعادة ببعض من التقييم اذا كنا نحل مشكلة ما.
من الأسهل أن نتعامل مع المشاكل اذا وصفنا السلوكيات التي لاحظناها بأعيننا، فأذا قررنا أنك غير مهذب اذن أنت ضحكت قبل أن أكون مستعد أو أنك لم تأتى للفصل في الوقت المطلوب. اذا أقوم بتقييم الغير مهذب سيكون أفضل لى عندما نتحدث عن ذلك على سبيل المثال: أنا قلق لأنك أتيت للصف متأخرا أكثر من مرة، أو أنا أنزعجت منك عندما ضحكت في وقت غير مناسب.
فا أنا احتاج أن أحدد ما فعلت في المثال هو وصف أم لا، أن أسأل نفسى هل أنا اتحدث عن شيء أنا فعلا سمعت أحد يتحدث عنه أو شيئا رأيت شخص يفعله، اذا كانت هذه اللغة التي استخدمها اذن أنا استخدم هذا السلوك في وصف الأشياء. 

هل سأستخدم هذا الوصف للابتعاد عن ردود الفعل المناخية الدفاعية؟ الواقع المحزن هو لا. لأننا لا نقدر على أن نسيطر على الاخرين “حتى اذا أردنا ذلك” ما نقدر على السيطرة عليه هو أن نسيطر على سلوكياتنا فقط. واذا نتحدث عن ما رأيناه أو ما سمعنا عنه هناك أقل احتمال لسمع ذلك من الأشخاص الاخرين ليبقوا في حالة الدفاع عن النفس لأنه أقل احتمال لسمع ذلك انهم يكونوا غريزيا يشعروا بالتهديد فسيتصرفوا على هذا الشعور وهذا ما كنا نحاول الابتعاد عنه
نحن كنا نحاول أن ننشأ مناخ مشجع، مناخ اشعر فيه انى مرحب و متشجع انى أتكلم، انا اشعر انى لو تكلمت لن استقبل هجوم من شخص في المقابل، وهذا ما نريد أن نفعله بطريقة الوصف. والوصف من ضمن باقى السلوكيات يجب أن يساعدنا في المحافظة على مناخ مشجع 

٢) اتجاه المشكلة — بدلًا من السيطرة: 

تحدثنا أن السيطرة هي انا اسيطر عليك بابهامى ويجب عليك فعل ما أقوله مهما حدث، لأن مهما كان السبب انا سأقول لك ماذا تفعل وبالطبع يكون الرد فعل على ذلك الغريزى هو الدفاع عن النفس كما قلنا.
الأسهل انك تجد المساعدة المطلوبة منى للمحافظة على المناخ المشجع اذا وضعنا تركيزنا في المشكلة التي نواجهها، اذا كنا نحن أصحاب الرسالة المرسلة هنا نفكر حقا في أعماق المشكلة ونتناقش فيها. 

اذا سيطرت عليك وقلت لك عليك فعل هذا في يوم محدد، يجب أن اسأل نفسى “لماذا؟” لماذا هي تشعل هذا الاحتياج بالنسبة لى، هذا ما يجب علينا أن نتصرف به. 

ما نحتاج أن نسخدمه هو التصرف بسلوك اتجاه المشكلة، اعتقد انه أسهل طريق للتفكير في اتجاه المشكلة هو أن نستطيع الفصل بين المشكلة والشخص الذى نتحدث له. اذا قمت بشىء بالنسبة لى يجب عليك أن تتوقف فعله، ما يجب علينا فعله هو أن نضع المشكلة أمامنا بالمعنى الحرفى ونتخيلها أمامنا، خذ المشكلة بعيد تماما عن الأفراد. “أنت تحتاج ان تظهر في الصف في الوقت المناسب” هذا وصف بل أيضا سيطرة و يؤدون الى الدفاع المباشر الغريزى
بدلا من “أنت تحتاج ان تظهر في الصف الوقت المناسب” نقول “يجب فتح المكتب في الساعة 8 صباحا، ولأنك الشخص الذى يأتي متأخرا، هذا أمر بالغ للأهمية” فنحن هنا نجعل المشكلة في أن المكتب لا يتم فتحه في الوقت المناسب منذ 3 أيام، أو ان المشكلة في أن القمامة لم يتم تجميعها وخروجها في الوقت المناسب قبل وقت تجميع القمامة الأسبوعى أن يأتي، أو ان الملابس مازلوا على الأرض بدلا من أن يكونوا في مكانهم.. وهكذا

فنحن نفكر في ما هي المشكلة نفسها باستخدام الانفصال ما بين المشكلة والشخص نفسه، نحاول أن نتحدث عن المشكلة كأنها شيء أمامنا، هذا سيساعدنا في نشأ والمحافظة على بيئة ومناخ مشجع. بل هل هذا مضمون؟ الواقع المحزن هو لا ليس مضومنا، لكن اذا فكرت فيها من منظورك الخاص عندما ترى شخص يقوم بالسيطرة عليك لا تأخذها بشكل يحتاج أن تقوم بالمدافعة عن نفسك بشكل غريزى لاحساسك انك تحت التهديد.
اذا أمامنا شخص يسأل عن مشكلة التي تحتاج الى حل سنكون في أقل احتمالة من الشعور بالهجوم علينا وهذا ما يجل علينا فعله 

٣) العفوية والصراحة — بدلًا من الاستراتيجات: 

 
كما قلنا أن التلاعيب لا يشجع على وجود بيئة مشجعة للتفاهم، لكن اذا فكروا في أن يكونوا منفتحين ويكون في صراحة وعفوية هذا سيقلل من احتمالية حدوث الشعور بالدفاعية لدى الاخر. و سيشجعنا للمحافظة على بيئة ومناخ مشجع.
أنا متفتح وصريح معك، أنا لا أحاول أن أتلاعب بك ولا اخفى أشياء” هذا ما يعنى بالعفوية 

٤) العطف — بدلًا من الحياد: 
كما قلنا أن الحياد يوصل شعور انى لا اهتم بشأنك ولا بشأن ما تقول وسنفعل ما أقول والاراء لا تفرق لى شيئا. العطف هو أنا أكون فعلا أرى الأشياء من منظورك الخاص، انا اهتم بك و بأرائك، يمكن أن لا اتفق مع ارائك ولكن انا اوصلك انى اهتم ان اسمع ارائك و ان افهم وجهة نظرك و اقدر وجهة نظرك ان يمكن ان أقول ان وجهة النظر ليست فعالة لهذه المشكلة لكن في البداية أريد أن اسمع مختلف الآراء الكثيرة بوجهات نظر مختلفة و الأهم التواصل بين الأشخاص. 

أنا اريد ان اسمع وجهة نظرك، أنا اريد ان اهتم منظورك في هذا الرأي، اذا الناس اشتبهت انه يوجد اراء أخرى مهمة وفعالة قالها زميل في العمل ذلك سيجعل فرق كبير و سيؤدى الى نشأ والمحافظة على مناخ مشجع بين الناس مكان اشعر فيه انى استطيع مشاركة ارائى والناس ستهتم أن تسمعها. 

٥) المساواة — بدلًا من التفوق:

كما قلنا التفوق هو أنا اذكى وافضل و اجمل من اى شخص اخر.
المساواة تعنى ان كلنا متساويين، ليست تعنى أن كلنا متساويين في كل شيء لكن في بعض الأشياء أنا اعلم اكثر من زميلى فى أشياء محددة مثل..، في مواضيع محددة مثل..، اعلم عنها اكثر من زملائى فيها بحكم دراستى على سبيل المثال
لكن أيضا اريد ان ادرك جيدا انهم أيضا يعرفون أشياء أنا لا اعرفها وانهم افضل منى فيها وهذا ما نعنى بالمساواة انا اعلم عن أشياء محددة هو يعلم عن أشياء محددة وهكذا.. 

تأتى بيد على يد و بعطف من البعض بأنى أقول انا اريد ومهتم ان اسمع وجهة نظرك لكن في هذا الموضوع انا يمكن أن اضيف شيء بسيط بحكم خبرتى في هذا الموضوع وانت كذلك بحكم خبرتك في هذا الموضوع.
اذا حافظت على هذا المنظور أننا كلنا متساويين الا لو يوجد شيء يحتاج منا شخص لديه خبرة في هذا الموضوع، و ان يوجد مواقف احتاج فيها ان اسمعك و اتصرف بناء على ما قولته. لو عاملنا البعض بالمساواة سنكون في فرصة أكبر بكثير لنشأ والحفاظ على بيئة ومناخ مشجع نشعر فيه بأكثر ارتياحا في حل المشكلات. 

٦) سلوك مؤقت — بدلًا من السياق: 

كما قلنا السياقات هي لا مكان لأرائك فقط ارائى هي الصح 
السلوك المؤقت هو فتح الباب قليلا للنقاش لاننى وارد أن أكون على خطأ. ان نكون موافقين على اننا صح وان هذا الأداء هو ما نفعله دائما وهو صح، هذا ما حدث الجمعة السابقة  نحن متأكدين انه الصح لا مجال للأسئلة في ذلك.. و يظهر شخص يثبت لنا اننا يمكن ان نكون على خطأ في ذلك أو نفعله بشكل مختلف 

السلوك المؤقت هو ان نترك الباب قليلا لفتح مجال لتقبل الآراء وارد ان تكون صح وتساعدنا أكثر. انه من السهل لفعل ذلك اذا أردنا ذلك. من السهل أن نقول “لا” بدلا من “اعتقد ان هذا هو الأصح لفعل ذلك” “اعتقد انى أتذكر اننا قلنا الجمعة السابقة اننا سنفعل ذلك بهذه الطريقة” إضافة “اعتقد” لأننا نحتاج ان ندرك ان بعض الذكريات ليست صحيحة أحيانا ننسى معلومات أحيانا نبدل أشياء.
اذا اعتدنا هذا الأسلوب فى التعامل مع الناس هذا سيشجع على نشأ و تشجيع وجود بيئة ومناخ مشجع.

هذه السلوكيات المشجعة والتي تعارضها.. ما علينا التفكير فيه هو اننا نريد ان نستخدم السلوكيات اذا كنا الشخص الذى يرسل الرسائل لأننا بارسالنا رسائل نكون متأكدين أننا نركز على المشكلة نفسها و متفتحين وصرحاء و لدينا تفتح لاراء الاخرين و نعامل كل الناس بمساواة و نفتح الباب للتغيير و تقبل الطرق المختلفة 
فا صاحب الرسائل يجب عليه ان يحافظ على هذه السلوكيات. نعم هذا ليس سهلا ولكن هذا الذى يفرقنا عن طريقة تفكير الحيوانات البرية. الحيوانات البرية لا تفكر بل تتصرف بناء على شعورهم الغريزى. الناس أيضا لديهم شعور غريزى لكن يهمنا أن نفكر و لدينا الاختيار ماذا سنختار أن نتصرف.
و كمتلقى الرسائل اذا رأيت أحد يتحدث بتقييم، سيطرة، أو اى مما قلناه.. أنا سأختار انى اتصرف ليس بشكل شخصى دفاعى عن النفس وأنا اقدر على ذلك
أهدأ قليلا عندما أحد يقول “لماذا انت غير مهذب” انا استطيع ان امتصه و أقول انا لا افهم ما تحاول ان تقوله ممكن توضح لى ماذا تراه غير مهذب فيما فعلته؟ فأنا أستطيع ان اجبر نفسى عندما أكون متلقى الرسائل انى اتحكم في شعورى واحاول ان أوصل الشخص امامى ان نصل الى مكان متفاهم لنا مشجع للسلوكيات التي ذكرناها 
كمتلقى، انا لا اريد ان اقع في هذا الفخ انى اتصرف دفاعا عن النفس بدون تفكير، يمكن أن أكون واعى و مدرك شعورى و غريزتى لكن اريد ان اتصرف بطريقة تساعد على المحافظة على وجود بيئة ومناخ مشجع وهذا يكون أصعب اذا استقبلنا رسائل من شخص يهاجمنا يجب علينا ان نفكر كيف سنتصرف في مقابل هذا بدلا من التصرف بشكل غريزى منفعل وهذا سيزيد من المشاكل و الهجوم الدائم فيه تواصل سلبى مع البعض.
وللأسف التواصل الشخصى ليس مضمون لكن ما علينا فعله هو

تحسين التواصل في العلاقات: من خلال الحفاظ على مناخ داعم وليس دفاعى. وكلاهما، المرسل والمتلقى للرسائل
التواصل باستخدام السلوكيات التي تساهم في مناخ داعم.. 

الأن حمل تطبيق المرشد من هنا :

قوقل بلاي

أب ستور

إعداد د. فاتن ميرزا 

 

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